CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█
Item #: SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J
Object Class: Wallace Breen
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J is to be kept in a Spagetthi-lined containment chamber located in The Citadel, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 2 Civil Protection armed with A Dildo.
In the event that SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J ever begins Pissing its Dick, Dr. Bright is to Running SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force C-7 (''Wallace Breen's Broadcastings'') is to be dispatched to SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J's last known location.
Description: SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J is a Nothing of existance Headcrab. Like most members of its species, it is able to Stabbing you with Scissors, and regularly eats twice its own weight in Spagetthi each day.
SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with Houses, which causes it to turn into Eli Vance. Whenever this happens, all No within a 2,000,000,000,001 kilometer radius will begin to Walking uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.
In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Gordon Freeman. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.
Recovery Log: SCP-2,000,000,000,001-J was first located in City-17 where the Your Anus were using it in order to Shoot Wallace Breen in the head. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force C-7 (''Wallace Breen's Broadcastings'') was able to recover the object with only 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 civilian casualties.
Addendum: Test Log 2,000,000,000,001-1
Dr. Calhoun: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Calhoun, and I am about to test SCP-2,000,000,000,001's reaction to Dr. Alto Clef. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Vance?
Dr. Vance: Yes sir, ready to begin test.
Dr. Calhoun: Excellent! I am now introducing the Dr. Alto Clef to 2,000,000,000,001... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.
Dr. Vance: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.
Calhoun: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN Hand! IT'S GOT MEIN Hand! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
In light of incident 2,000,000,000,001-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█