Need my SCP Draft to be crtiqued.

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Awesomeguy147
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Re: Need my SCP Draft to be crtiqued.

Postby Awesomeguy147 » Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:38 am

Kenneth crooker wrote:
Awesomeguy147 wrote:*snip*


I'll make a few more edits regarding that.


Good job.

Overall, I actually like this concept. It's not the best I've ever seen, but it is kind of interesting. The execution needs some work though. Things like the foundations treatment towards it ( Don't give him books that suit his interests (Perhaps you could argue that it is to lower the odds of him going into rage, but that is simply not the Foundation's way of doing things. Furthermore, despite the fact that he could be dangerous when enraged, it's rather easy to sedate him the way he is now so there really isn't any real need to cater to his interests. The foundation is a "Prison, not a hotel") and the fact that they don't seem care about the fact he killed 5 men could be fixed also.). It also doesn't help that this SCP reminded me of "Duke" a humanoid SCP that was so terrible that they made a Foundation Tale about killing it. (In fact, I should probably post a link to it here, just to give an example of what not to do: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/decomm:scp-083-d and while I'm at it, I'll link this guide: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/how-to-write-an-scp You might have already read it, but I recommend giving the humanoid section a quick glance and a little consideration.)

Again the concept isn't bad, but it's the kind of concept that would take a lot work in order to execute it right.
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Kenneth crooker
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Re: Need my SCP Draft to be crtiqued.

Postby Kenneth crooker » Sat Jun 13, 2015 12:34 am

Awesomeguy147 wrote:
Kenneth crooker wrote:
Awesomeguy147 wrote:*snip*


I'll make a few more edits regarding that.


Good job.

Overall, I actually like this concept. It's not the best I've ever seen, but it is kind of interesting. The execution needs some work though. Things like the foundations treatment towards it ( Don't give him books that suit his interests (Perhaps you could argue that it is to lower the odds of him going into rage, but that is simply not the Foundation's way of doing things. Furthermore, despite the fact that he could be dangerous when enraged, it's rather easy to sedate him the way he is now so there really isn't any real need to cater to his interests. The foundation is a "Prison, not a hotel") and the fact that they don't seem care about the fact he killed 5 men could be fixed also.). It also doesn't help that this SCP reminded me of "Duke" a humanoid SCP that was so terrible that they made a Foundation Tale about killing it. (In fact, I should probably post a link to it here, just to give an example of what not to do: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/decomm:scp-083-d and while I'm at it, I'll link this guide: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/how-to-write-an-scp You might have already read it, but I recommend giving the humanoid section a quick glance and a little consideration.)

Again the concept isn't bad, but it's the kind of concept that would take a lot work in order to execute it right.


Thanks. I'll work on it a little more.
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Olivine
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Re: Need my SCP Draft to be crtiqued.

Postby Olivine » Fri Jun 26, 2015 12:19 pm

It's been more than a week, but I don't see why I can't add some critique, too.

1. Metric system, please (eg. 3-inch). And check your spelling (eg. medeival, rubys). I can see a lot of things that have to be corretced, but there are too many for me to list.
2. The containment procedures should be reasonable. And as far as I know, glass isn't a true mineral, so in order to contain this one, you may have to use glass that's not industrially manufactured.
3. I don't really have a problem with the description, but I see some things that could be changed. First of all, the rage state. In long terms, "we wouldn't like it if it becomes angry". That's an overdone cliche. Remove it or make it work. I'm not sure how exactly you can make this cliche acceptable, but removing it is the safest option you can do. The anomalous wave appears to be some sort of sound, but since it is sound, it cannot be silent, only in a frequency/amplitude the human ear cannot hear. The addendum is part of its description, so you can remove it. Crystalline materials are vulnerable to fracture and even diamond can be fractured by bullets provided that they can hit the weak spots in the molecular arrangements. It's not really a good choice for armor and weaponry (assuming the red sword is crystal, too).

That's all of the critique I can give without making a newbie feedback loop so yeah.
Last edited by Olivine on Sun Jun 28, 2015 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Bennings
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Re: Need my SCP Draft to be crtiqued.

Postby Bennings » Sat Jun 27, 2015 5:48 pm

Olivine wrote:It's been more than a week, but I don't see why I can't add some critique, too.

1. Metric system, please (eg. 3-inch). And check your spelling (eg. medeival, rubys). I can see a lot of things that have to be corretced, but there are too many for me to list.
2. The containment procedures should be reasonable - the bed shouldn't be king-sized, it has to be made specifically for this skip, with exact measurements. That's just an optional suggestion, anyway. And as far as I know, glass isn't a true mineral, so in order to contain this one, you may have to use glass that's not industrially manufactured.
3. I don't really have a problem with the description, but I see some things that could be changed. First of all, the rage state. In long terms, "we wouldn't like it if it becomes angry". That's an overdone cliche. Remove it or make it work. I'm not sure how exactly you can make this cliche acceptable, but removing it is the safest option you can do. The anomalous wave appears to be some sort of sound, but since it is sound, it cannot be silent, only in a frequency/amplitude the human ear cannot hear. The addendum is part of its description, so you can remove it. Crystalline materials are vulnerable to fracture and even diamond can be fractured by bullets provided that they can hit the weak spots in the molecular arrangements. It's not really a good choice for armor and weaponry (assuming the red sword is crystal, too).

That's all of the critique I can give without making a newbie feedback loop so yeah.


Why...why would he need the exact measurement of the bed? Why would they need to a tailor-made bed? That makes no sense and isn't relevant.

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Olivine
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Re: Need my SCP Draft to be crtiqued.

Postby Olivine » Sun Jun 28, 2015 2:56 am

Bennings wrote:
Olivine wrote:It's been more than a week, but I don't see why I can't add some critique, too.

1. Metric system, please (eg. 3-inch). And check your spelling (eg. medeival, rubys). I can see a lot of things that have to be corretced, but there are too many for me to list.
2. The containment procedures should be reasonable - the bed shouldn't be king-sized, it has to be made specifically for this skip, with exact measurements. That's just an optional suggestion, anyway. And as far as I know, glass isn't a true mineral, so in order to contain this one, you may have to use glass that's not industrially manufactured.
3. I don't really have a problem with the description, but I see some things that could be changed. First of all, the rage state. In long terms, "we wouldn't like it if it becomes angry". That's an overdone cliche. Remove it or make it work. I'm not sure how exactly you can make this cliche acceptable, but removing it is the safest option you can do. The anomalous wave appears to be some sort of sound, but since it is sound, it cannot be silent, only in a frequency/amplitude the human ear cannot hear. The addendum is part of its description, so you can remove it. Crystalline materials are vulnerable to fracture and even diamond can be fractured by bullets provided that they can hit the weak spots in the molecular arrangements. It's not really a good choice for armor and weaponry (assuming the red sword is crystal, too).

That's all of the critique I can give without making a newbie feedback loop so yeah.


Why...why would he need the exact measurement of the bed? Why would they need to a tailor-made bed? That makes no sense and isn't relevant.

Hmm. Now that I think about it, yeah. I see. I'll edit that out. Thanks.
I'm just doubtful about the usage of "king-sized" and that's all.


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