CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█

Item #: SCP-2345-J

Object Class: Sexy

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2345-J is to be kept in a semen-lined containment chamber located in Site 19, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 4 orphans armed with murkins.

In the event that SCP-2345-J ever begins twisting its nipples, Mister Plinkett is to spank SCP-2345-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force epsilon-7 (''Who else but Quagmire?'') is to be dispatched to SCP-2345-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-2345-J is a Sexy Hitler. Like most members of its species, it is able to pimp guys, and regularly eats twice its own weight in semen each day.

SCP-2345-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with dildos, which causes it to turn into a hipster. Whenever this happens, all dildos within a 4 kilometer radius will begin to become horney uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Kevin Murphy. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-2345-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-2345-J was first located in Octavia's bedroom where the Bloody Yanks were using it in order to mow down the sexy people. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force epsilon-7 (''Who else but Quagmire?'') was able to recover the object with only 1.2 billion civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 2345-1

Dr. Hitler: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Hitler, and I am about to test SCP-2345's reaction to bondage. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Spankenstein?

Dr. Spankenstein: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

Dr. Hitler: Excellent! I am now introducing the bondage to 2345... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

Dr. Spankenstein: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning.

Hitler: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN PENIS! IT'S GOT MEIN PENIS! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

END LOG

In light of incident 2345-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█

Item #: SCP-3580-J

Object Class: KETER, Must be destroyed as soon as possible.

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3580-J is to be kept in a shit-lined containment chamber located in Arctic base-094 Delta, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 10 children armed with super soaker waterguns .

In the event that SCP-3580-J ever begins using its voice, former prime minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen is to debate SCP-3580-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force epsilon-7 (''Friendship is magic'') is to be dispatched to SCP-3580-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-3580-J is a grim politician. Like most members of its species, it is able to Severely lower IQs, and regularly eats twice its own weight in shit each day.

SCP-3580-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with laws, which causes it to turn into active-mode. Whenever this happens, all humans within a 25 kilometer radius will begin to throw up uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Helle Thorning Schmidt (the danish prime minister). Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-3580-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-3580-J was first located in Silent Hill where the black belts were using it in order to turn Europe into a living hell. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force epsilon-7 (''Friendship is magic'') was able to recover the object with only 9001 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 3580-1

Dr. Hinterseehr: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Hinterseehr, and I am about to test SCP-3580's reaction to money. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Isaksen?

Dr. Isaksen: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

Dr. Hinterseehr: Excellent! I am now introducing the money to 3580... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

Dr. Isaksen: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

Hinterseehr: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN BRAIN! IT'S GOT MEIN BRAIN! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

END LOG

In light of incident 3580-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█

CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█

Item #: SCP-huehuehue-J

Object Class: Cookies

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-huehuehue-J is to be kept in a Shit-lined containment chamber located in My butt, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 46327891030495857638924293101'3004833548734930 Chickens armed with Spons.

In the event that SCP-huehuehue-J ever begins fucking its BRAIN, KETAH is to wutlol SCP-huehuehue-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force LOLWUTAGHHSD-7 (''The Simpsons'') is to be dispatched to SCP-huehuehue-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-huehuehue-J is a ROAR Horrible Horse. Like most members of its species, it is able to GO N KILL, and regularly eats twice its own weight in Shit each day.

SCP-huehuehue-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with pottis, which causes it to turn into Giant Dildo. Whenever this happens, all Zombesh within a 9011111 kilometer radius will begin to Twitchtz their penises uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to SCP-173. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-huehuehue-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-huehuehue-J was first located in Parappa's Town where the Star Wolf were using it in order to Kill 682. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force LOLWUTAGHHSD-7 (''The Simpsons'') was able to recover the object with only 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log huehuehue-1

Dr. hambergers: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr hambergers, and I am about to test SCP-huehuehue's reaction to bleeding. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Chutulu?
Dr. Chutulu: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

Dr. hambergers: Excellent! I am now introducing the bleeding to huehuehue... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

Dr. Chutulu: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

hambergers: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN leg! IT'S GOT MEIN leg! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

END LOG

In light of incident huehuehue-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█

CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█

Item #: SCP-3-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3-J is to be kept in a Semen-lined containment chamber located in My Asshole, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 2 Ass fucking armed with Americans.

In the event that SCP-3-J ever begins Fucking its Penis, Dr. Bright is to Fuck SCP-3-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force A-7 (''Spongebob'') is to be dispatched to SCP-3-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-3-J is a Fuck Gabe Newwel. Like most members of its species, it is able to Fuck U, and regularly eats twice its own weight in Semen each day.

SCP-3-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with [REDACTED], which causes it to turn into A. Whenever this happens, all I within a 2 kilometer radius will begin to Fuck uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Jackson Guilkey. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-3-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-3-J was first located in Lavender Town where the Buckeyes were using it in order to Screw your mom. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force A-7 (''Spongebob'') was able to recover the object with only 100000000000000000000 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 3-1

Dr. Dinkleberry: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Dinkleberry, and I am about to test SCP-3's reaction to O. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Guilkey?
Dr. Guilkey: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

Dr. Dinkleberry: Excellent! I am now introducing the O to 3... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

Dr. Guilkey: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

Dinkleberry: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN Penis! IT'S GOT MEIN Penis! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

END LOG

In light of incident 3-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█

Item #: SCP-789-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-789-J is kept in my toilet and only i can talk to it

Description: SCP-789-J is a ghost that is a face. it lives in a toilet and it talks to you while you poop. then when you poop it goes "no stop aaaa-" and then stops because there is poop in its mouth.

SCP-789-J travels around in butts. you can only get rid of it by wiping. that is the moral of the story.

sometimes it kills other butts and makes them butt ghosts too. but it is always lonely because it is a butt ghost.

Addendum: if you fall in the toilet, it eats your butt.

Item #: SCP-7-J

Object Class: Super Mega Ultra Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7-J is to be kept in a Horse Burgers-lined containment chamber located in ASDA, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 6 Garbage Man armed with Your Mum.

In the event that SCP-7-J ever begins Screwing its Ears, Dr Dr is to [DATA EXPUNGED] SCP-7-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force Yoghurt-7 (''Static'') is to be dispatched to SCP-7-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-7-J is a Stripy Zebra. Like most members of its species, it is able to Sand, and regularly eats twice its own weight in Horse Burgers each day.

SCP-7-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with Idiot, which causes it to turn into Rape. Whenever this happens, all Touching within a 68 kilometer radius will begin to Handles uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Ze Dude. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-7-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-7-J was first located in Mcdickinton where the Yankee Doodles were using it in order to Turn people into Cabbages. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force Yoghurt-7 (''Static'') was able to recover the object with only 567780 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 7-1


Dr. Hitler: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Hitler, and I am about to test SCP-7's reaction to Donuts. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Willhelm?
Dr. Willhelm: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

Dr. Hitler: Excellent! I am now introducing the Donuts to 7... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

Dr. Willhelm: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

Hitler: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN toe! IT'S GOT MEIN toe! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

END LOG
In light of incident 7-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█

CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█

Item #: SCP-3-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3-J is to be kept in a Pickle-lined containment chamber located in The White House, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 2 Prostitute armed with Condom.

In the event that SCP-3-J ever begins Fucking its Anus, Dr Bright is to Pickle SCP-3-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force O-7 (''Wakfu'') is to be dispatched to SCP-3-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-3-J is a Pickle Fox. Like most members of its species, it is able to Pickled Pickle, and regularly eats twice its own weight in Pickle each day.

SCP-3-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with Pickle, which causes it to turn into Pickle. Whenever this happens, all Pickle within a 2 kilometer radius will begin to Pickle uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Marilyn Manson. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-3-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-3-J was first located in Rapeville where the American Football Team were using it in order to Rape all the children. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force O-7 (''Wakfu'') was able to recover the object with only 9999999999999999999999999999 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 3-1


Dr. Wolfahnner: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Wolfahnner, and I am about to test SCP-3's reaction to Pickle. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Pickle?
Dr. Pickle: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

Dr. Wolfahnner: Excellent! I am now introducing the Pickle to 3... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

Dr. Pickle: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

Wolfahnner: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN Penis! IT'S GOT MEIN Penis! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

END LOG
In light of incident 3-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█