HOLY BOG DOLLS
I am literally typing this on cocaine right now.

Now that I have your attention, a brief but necessary purview of the conundrum.

SCP:CB is a game that proves, even with a retarded engine like Blitz3D, you can still scare the bajebus out of people. However, all too often I see half-wits who have no idea what anything is. People who do not do the game justice and die like Africans on the slave trade. This handy guide will tell YOU how to be smarter than the average Lets Player (Dear god, Markiplier/Yamimash/PWEDERPEY).

1) Surviving

The statue kills you if you DON'T look at it. Dear god, why do some people not know how to mitigate this. There are people literally staring at the cockswab and not dying. Also, If you turn your back on it to run away, you deserve your fate. Read the documents also, unless you are illiterate - in which case you deserve to die.

Right around the end of the game, a Mexican cartel raids the facility and shoots everything. The MTF (Mexican Terror Force) are as of now bugged to infinity and enjoy spawning on top of each other as a pastime. I won't blame you if you disable them.

Tall guy is pretty nice. But he has a low self esteem and will deathmurder you if you look at his face. Look at the corner instead - unless you somehow got 173 in with him - then you're fucked.

Black guy is an arse. He really hates electricity, so zap him with stuff.

2) Finding Shit

The room with the talking guys who die has a bunch of important shit. If you don't go down there, you really suck at this game.

Keycards are the most important shit, so get that first. When you find a hallway with pipes, go to the door on the side and turn 90 degrees and open that door. A keycard will be there, yay! (also 173).

S-Navs are dope as shit and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot who enjoys getting lost. It only shows you the places you've been and connecting undiscovered hallways, so that's sad.

3) Getting Out

With your keycard that you should have found unless you're a dolt, go to a room marked 914. There is a machine there that will take your shit and spit out better shit. A handy guide:

Rough: Fucks shit up. Pointless.

Coarse: Fucks shit up into neat piles. Pointless.

1:1: Replaces shit with shit of equal value. It once turned a white guy into a maxican, so that's pretty funny.

Fine: Refines it like a fine wine. Get it? Fine wine? Eh.

Very Fine: INJECTS WITH COCAINE. Do not use unless extremely drunk and or high.

With your better shit, walk until you see "Gate A" (For some reason, Gate B is hard as tits to get into and has worse endings.) Leave Gate A.

HOLY SHIT, ITS A FUSTER CLUCK. The guys with guns hate you, so don't go near them. Find a door or something. Leave.

CONGRAGULETONS, YOURE WINNER

I'm going to link this to anyone who has no idea what to do. Thoughts?

10/10 better than a CoD guide

Its certainly...unique. Yeah, it should teach them the basics (seriously though, some people don't know some of that?)

Please proceed and send it to all the noobs

I sorta feel... Insulted? with the Mexican Terror Force, but it was fun to read, you did an good guide, in the way that can be readed by the tipical retarded hipster who likes dark, non-famous games

sonicmariofan23 wrote:I sorta feel... Insulted? with the Mexican Terror Force

No offence was intended. I could have said "Montenegrin Terror Force" or "Micronesian Terror Force" but I wanted to keep the MTF abbreviation without resorting to island nations. Mexico is the only "famous" country that starts with "M".

I used this very guide to help me beat the fucking game. I approve of this shit. And ty.

The Volgun needs to voice this, and turn it into an official SCP orientation. That be hilarious.

Agent Shlocky wrote:The Volgun needs to voice this, and turn it into an official SCP orientation. That be hilarious.

I support and endorse this wholeheartedly.

GUIDE PART 2 : ELECTRIC TESLAROO

Drunken wandering edition!

This game has hallways. A shit ton of hallways. Like, a fuckload.

If you get lost, the game trolled you. Like, seriously, there are way too many fucking hallways.

If you find anything besides a hallway in this game, you might be the next messiah.

Rooms that aren't hallways!

You might find an airlock place where a guard gets decimated by tallface. Go inside and turn all the levers while avoiding tallguy. ALL OF THEM. Then you can pass! :D:D:D (D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:)

You might find a room that says "Authorized Personnel Only". There is weed inside. This is the true goal of the game.

THERE ARE NO OTHER ROOMS AS IMPORTANT AS THESE, SO WE'RE GOING TO THE RANDOM IN-GAME SCPS!

• SCP-008: Zombies. It's a prion that makes you a Zombie. Not much more to tell.

• SCP-012: A piece of paper with a shitty song on it. Worse than pop, and that's saying something.

• SCP-049: Guy who says you have a disease. Turns you into a zombie. The moral here is to never trust people who look like they've done mushrooms at a rave.

• SCP-079: Old Computer. It can access the internet somehow despite having hardware from the 70's!

• SCP-372: A penis that walks on walls.

• SCP-500: A pill that cures all diseases. Rumored to be made of liquid cocaine.

• SCP-682: GIANT INVINCIBEL LEZERD! 682 is possibly the most retarded idea for an SCP ever. I fucking hate this scip. Have I said how much this fucking sucks? Because it does.

• SCP-714: Ring that makes you drunk. You don't die when you do something stupid like look at 012 or 1025, but it makes you fat and lazy.

• SCP-895: Coffin that gives electronics AIDS. ElectrAIDS?

• SCP-1025: Gives you herpes.

I'm a bit... mystified at:

Ketercheat wrote:

• SCP-372: A penis that walks on walls.

But other than that, good for anyone over [REDACTED] who doesn't understand the basics.