FACADE STAGEPLAY
Sat May 18 11 56 13 2013
TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses?
GRACE
What for?
TRIP
That should be obvious!
GRACE
Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!
GONZALO
my balls itch
TRIP
Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!
GONZALO
Bitches
GONZALO
'm her
GRACE
What -- Trip, don't give me that look!
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
TRIP
Oh, he's here!
GRACE
What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!
GONZALO
I have something to tel u
TRIP
No, he's right on time!
GRACE
Trip...!
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
Gonzalo!!
TRIP
Hi! It's so great to see you! It's been a while how's it going?
GONZALO
Trip, I'm coming out
TRIP
Uh...
(GONZALO kisses trip.)
TRIP
Oh... you're doing the European-style greeting...
GONZALO
im gaaaayy
TRIP
we just got back from a trip to Italy, but the men didn't do that with each other... um... -- (interrupted)
GRACE
No, no, here we are!
GRACE
Gonzalo,
GRACE
Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time!
GONZALO
ew women
TRIP
Hey, that's -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Uh...
GRACE
So, come in, make yourself at home...
TRIP
Huh, I'll close the door.
GRACE
Gonzalo, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
don't mind if i du
(Trip closes the front door.)
GRACE
Y -- yeah, we've -- we've missed you.
TRIP
Hey, I just realized something.
GRACE
What...
TRIP
We have to celebrate! Tonight's a special night! -- (interrupted)
(GONZALO picks up a trinket 1.)
GRACE
Oh, do you like those sculptures? I used to be so into, uh, collecting them... -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
With DIldos
GRACE
um...
TRIP
So, yeah, I just realized!
TRIP
Gonzalo, remember, -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Oh, God, it's hard to believe I used to like these damn sculptures...
TRIP
More like obsessed...
TRIP
But in a good way!
GRACE
I was not obsessed, I was just...
(GONZALO sits on the couch.)
(GONZALO gets up from the couch.)
GRACE
(little sigh) I don't know.
TRIP
So, ten years ago... that's when you introduced us, right?
(GONZALO puts down a trinket 1.)
(GONZALO sits on the couch.)
GONZALO
eeyup
TRIP
Um, well, without you, we wouldn't even have this celebration.
GRACE
Yeah, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.
TRIP
Oh, Grace, let's not do that.
GONZALO
too monocrome
GRACE
Oh, um, well... I want to ask you...
GONZALO
now lets drink
GRACE
(little sigh) -- (interrupted)
(GONZALO gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec!
TRIP
Ah, you need to help me break in my expensive new set of cocktail making accessories. -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
yay
TRIP
Ha ha, yeah!
GRACE
(little sigh) So I've been collecting these sculptures...
GRACE
but now when I look at them, they give me a such a... such a headache.
TRIP
uhh...
GONZALO
drinks pls?
TRIP
Yeah, hang on, ooh, I'm going to make you one of my fabulous drinks in just a minute!
GRACE
Uhh, Gonzalo, try not to encourage him.
TRIP
See Grace, no one is complaining about your decorating, there's nothing wrong with it!
GRACE
Trip, I can't explain it, but this room is just not working, okay? I'm going to return what furniture I can, and redo it all.
TRIP
Oh Grace...
TRIP
(little sigh) Somehow I knew you'd say that.
(GONZALO sits on the couch.)
(Trip shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP
Probably true.
TRIP
Huh!
GRACE
(little sigh)
TRIP
So! Drinks!
TRIP
What would you like?
TRIP
How about a martini?
GONZALO
VODKA
TRIP
I served -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Oh, oh, yeah, that sounds even better! Great!
GRACE
No no,
GRACE
Gonzalo, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?
GONZALO
VODKAAAAAA
TRIP
You know I'm just going to open a bottle of merlot or something,
GONZALO
BUT I WAN VDKA
(GONZALO gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
Uh, well, merlot will be fine, that's fine...
TRIP
What do you say Grace, I know it's not your favorite, but help us finish the bottle? -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
VODKA
TRIP
Oh, yeah, you know, I think I'll fix you a real drink in not too long...
GRACE
As for my drink...
GRACE
Um, Just a glass of Chardonnay for me, please.
TRIP
Oh, Chardonnay! Sure thing.
GRACE
So, Gonzalo, I was going -- (interrupted)
PHONE
** RING **
TRIP
Oh, I'll get it --
GRACE
No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.
PHONE
** RING **
TRIP
Grace, no, I want --
GRACE
Trip, please dear, don't be rude.
GRACE
It's probably just the cleaning service cancelling on us again, it's so hard to find good help these days.
PHONE
** RING **
PHONE
** RING **
GONZALO
VODKA
ANSWERING MACHINE
** click **
(GONZALO picks up a Grace's drink.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!
ANSWERING MACHINE
** beep **
(GONZALO puts down a Grace's drink.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing.
GRACE
Okay, okay, this is getting really tiresome...!
(GONZALO picks up a player's drink.)
GRACE
You know what, I'll be right back.
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
TRIP
Grace, what are you --
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there.
GRACE
No you two keep talking about the bar and drinks and the amazing view and everything...
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
TRIP
What? Where are you going?
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
GRACE
I'll just be in the kitchen.
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala.
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO puts down a player's drink.)
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
ANSWERING MACHINE
(clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.
(GONZALO picks up a Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
TRIP
Um, Grace, darling, could you --
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
TRIP
could you bring out some of that prosciutto, you know, that we served at our last party?
(GONZALO sits on the couch.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO puts down a Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
Grace, uh, has a passion for hors doeurves, uh... uh... If -- if it fits on a cracker, Grace will put it there. -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Wait, Gonzalo, where -- where are you going?
TRIP
Look, don't pay any attention to this... this... it's nothing... uhh... -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
TO FONDLE YOU
(GONZALO hugs trip.)
TRIP
Uhh, Jesus, why are we all -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Oh... uhh... that's nice of you... huh... you know, this is all just a big miscommunication... uhh...
(GONZALO picks up the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
GONZALO
NO
GONZALO
I LOVE YU
(GONZALO puts down the advice ball.)
TRIP
Um... well... uh....
TRIP
um...
GRACE
(BREAKING DISHES SOUND IN KITCHEN)
TRIP
Jesus, what was that?
GRACE
Argh!
TRIP
Grace, what happened?
GONZALO
RIGHT HERE ON THE FLOOR
GRACE
What?
GONZALO
NOW
TRIP
Hey -- hey, uh... Gonzalo,
TRIP
I meant to tell you, we're going to have this big, big party next weekend.
TRIP
Do you -- do you think you can make it?
GONZALO
YESH
TRIP
It's gonna be great.
GONZALO
AS LONG AS THERE VODKA
GRACE
So, what have you two been talking about in here?!
TRIP
Oh! uh, heh heh, hey... um...
GONZALO
I WAS PROPOSING TO TRIP
TRIP
Oh, Gonzalo, -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
TAKE ME
GRACE
Oh, well, please, go look at Trip's Italy photo...
GRACE
By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like. -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Gonzalo, this is making you uncomfortable. See Trip, was it really worth it to fly us all the way to Italy so you could take that inane picture?
GRACE
(little sigh) I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.
TRIP
Grace...!
TRIP
(short petulant sigh)
TRIP
Gonzalo, this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon.
GRACE
Oh, was that what it was? Huh, I'm always the last to know.
TRIP
Grace, I wanted us to spend some time together...!
GRACE
Trip thinks carting me off to Europe will, how did you put it, thaw me out a little bit?
(GONZALO sits on the couch.)
(GONZALO gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
Ahh, this is bullshit!
GRACE
Ahh, no, you're full of shit!
GRACE
Thaw me out...
GRACE
Trip, you think you're so romantic... but no you're trying to manipulate me!
TRIP
(little impatient sigh) Gonzalo, can you believe this? -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
VODKA
TRIP
Gonzalo, wait, I can't fix you a drink right now!
TRIP
Goddamn italy...
TRIP
I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're cold, and distant! I do, I really try!
GRACE
Oh, my God...!
GRACE
Okay, you know what, Gonzalo,
GRACE
I'm going to ask you something.
TRIP
Grace --
GONZALO
GET A ROOM, TRIP [REDACTED] ME
GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
GRACE
Gonzalo, yes or no...
GRACE
Do you think it's _wrong_ for one person in a marriage to listen _too much_ to the other?
GONZALO
VODKA
GRACE
Look, don't bother answering, I don't need to hear it!
GRACE
Goddammit! How can I be happy when you act this way, Trip? Huh? I'm miserable!
TRIP
Oh, Christ...!
TRIP
Uhh! Yeah, go on, go away!
TRIP
I can't frigging take this!
TRIP
Oh... Shit!
TRIP
uhh!
(GONZALO picks up a Trip's drink.)
GONZALO
MINE
TRIP
What? uhh... w -- what are you saying?
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
GRACE
What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me?
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
TRIP
No!
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
TRIP
Gonzalo, this has never ever happened before...! -- (interrupted)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
GRACE
Dammit, Trip!
(GONZALO sips his Trip's drink.)
GRACE
uhh!
GRACE
Gonzalo, (annoyed sigh) Trip can just be so...
(GONZALO puts down a Trip's drink.)
TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me, are we?
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO opens the front door.)
GRACE
What?
GRACE
Gonzalo, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage -- -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Grace, don't, no, you don't need -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Gonzalo, where are you going? Don't leave, -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
YOU GUYS ARE BORING
TRIP
No don't criticize me anymore, it's just going to turn this even more ugly!
(GONZALO points to the elevator button.)
(GONZALO points to the elevator button.)
(GONZALO points to the elevator button.)
(GONZALO points to the elevator button.)